Tony La Russa: Making Alexander Graham Bell proud since 1944

I have been waiting around for the past week and a half for something to happen that I could just tear into, and boy did I get it.  Cardinals skipper, Tony La Russa, came through with a gem in Game 5 of the World Series pulling a full-on phone fiasco.  That's right, just like he was back in kindergarten, the skip decided to play a game where he says words and it comes out as something entirely different on the other end.  This was not any ordinary game, but somehow he managed to set man-kind back 125 years by finding a way to mess up a fool-proof phone system, or so he says.

By now, most of you probably feel like I'm just some biased douche bag who hates the Cardinals and Cubs (which isn't entirely untrue), but to be fair, they make it so damn easy for me.  La Russa has done an outstanding job of spewing excuses for the whole season, but I have to give it to him for getting the job done.  However, I do want to do him the service of giving him some supplemental jive for his latest oddball outburst because I feel like I owe it to him.  I apologize for all of the alcohol related ones, but when you are dealing with a guy that has at least one DUI, it's probably safe to say that it's warranted.  So Tony-boy, when you lose the World Series, this is what you can tell the media what went wrong.

10)  "Wait.  You're telling me zepczynski starts with an R?"

9)  "I love Beavis and Butthead.  Haven't you seen the one where they prank call their neighbor just to flush the toilet and hang up.  I guess that's pretty much what I just did to our World Series chances."

8)  "When my bullpen coach asked me if I really want to bring in Lynn, I just hung up and assumed he'd figure it out."

7)   "I was so flustered by the bullpen phone, I handed my managerial reign over to Albert.  If he wants $300 million he's going to have to earn it somehow.  I guess he probably shouldn't quit his day-job."

6)  "What?  It's not standard protocol to blame the stadium when you lose a game?"

Image Courtesy The Smoking Gun

5)  "To be fair, I spent about 5 hours on my favorite 1-900 HOTTline with a lady named Lynn last night.  She's been on my mind all day and it's all I can think about when I pick up a phone."

4)  "I figured it was probably better for me to take a nap during the 9th inning so I didn't fall asleep at a red light again."

3)  "I usually don't call a taxi.  I'm pretty confident in getting home on my own."

2)  "Have you heard me try to say ABC's when I'm wasted?  I said the letter 'M' four times.  F**k, I could have told the bullpen pretty much anything."

1)   In my martini-laden stupor,  I accidentally called home and asked my wife to warm up the Mott's (applesauce).  Honest mistake."

Hopefully these will be useful for you in the future Mr. La Russa.  I don't think anyone would blame you if you said any of these things in a press conference and you apparently don't care or think about what you typically say.  If not, I'm pretty sure I can find you a toy phone at a rummage sale so you can practice at home over the winter.  I know it's tough using technology that's evolved so much since 1876, but it's probably a useful skill to have.  Pick up the phone, say a name, job done.